Musings about possible futures

Over the last academic term, I've gotten to meet and work with a number of new people, and to get to know others in my circle of colleagues and acquaintances much better. In some cases, not to the betterment of relations, but generally this has all been very positive. It has resulted in opportunities coming my way in the fairly immediate, and the somewhat more distance future. I'm quite keen to see where and what and how being an associate dean for a year teaches me and expands my horizons. But I am also increasingly aware that at least 2 'big jobs' can be mine if I want them in 1-2 years.

I know, I know - why think about things 2 years hence? Because I'm a planner and well - if I don't do these things then groundwork needs to be done to set others into these positions.

So I'm pondering now two scenarios:

1) in two years I put my name forward to run a department - because it desperately needs leadership and change and I can do that, BUT the next 5 years will be hard, likely regularly ugly and difficult and an exercises in frustration. It MIGHT not be that bad, but I haven't seen any who did the job well also say they liked it - they have said I'd be good at it and I do have a certain sense of loyalty and a bad case of the 'oughts'
2) in two years I put my name forward for an admin position in my college - maybe only 1 year after other commitments are fulfilled. Also a position of leadership and often change too, BUT one that I have some prior experience of and which, while full of lots of hard work, will be FUN by virtue of who I'd be working with. The problems in this arena are minor compared to the other job. Life would be easier, less stressful in this job - however it is easily argued that perhaps the other position is one that needs a committed person more. Sigh.

Both positions speak to my sense of duty, to my desire to 'make things work better' - but one I think will be a helluva lot more fun...though perhaps is of less prestige/less likely to be a springboard to higher levels of admin work. Do I care about that though? OR is that just my evil competitive side that has gotten me in trouble before, taking on things because I think I should/maybe no one else will, rather than listening to what my heart and gut are trying to say?

New acquaintances in the Anglican hierarchy talk about 'discernment' - literally discerning your path through opening your heart and mind to God's will. Sounds a bit like waiting for God to talk to you, which makes me feel a bit odd to say the least. But 'discern my path' I surely need to do. Some talks are in order, and some time to think, and to watch and see what comes my way over the next year and a bit.

Questions to Self:
1) Just how ambitious am I?
2) Who am I really trying to impress?
3) Will I be fulfilled by doing what I 'ought' or what I 'want'?
4) Haven't I earned the right to simply do what makes me happy? If I have - why do I feel guilty about it?

The more things change...

The more things change ... they are different? (Profound eh?) Wow what a ride the last few weeks have been. I find myself more and more perplexed by the motivations of the people around me. Well that's not fair - perplexed by those that can't seem to keep themselves from making choices / behaving in ways that seem to be at best counter-productive and at worst, not in anyone's best interest, especially theirs.

Passive-Aggressive Man apparently went away for not only term break but another week on top of that in order to perfect the aggressive part of his nature. Yippee. So much for the tactic of steady but polite pressure as a means of getting P-A Man to maybe oh I don't know - make a decision? give a crap? Sigh...where frustration had moved to sympathy it is now rapidly moving to disdain. And not just for me. There may actually be a band of folks in my unit who've had enough and want to see some change asap. Feeling a bit like I'm at the start of a coup d'etat...

On the family side of things...is it that 'pride go-eth before the fall' OR 'pride causes the fall'? Still can't wrap my head around why Mother Dear would chose to move to a tiny (REALLY tiny) geared-to-income seniors apartment in the same neighbourhood she lived in when her marriage of 30 years ended (which is also auto-suburbia with truly crap bus service and nothing really to walk to and she doesn't drive - can you say isolation) when there are options available to her from her own children (aka ME) to live in a lovely apartment condo in a nice neighbourhood close to all sorts of amenities and family - which we would buy for her - in our city OR hers. Gah - my boy cares enough when I'm older to look after me a bit, I'm taking it. It's the only way I can collect on any of the approximately $8 million we agree he owes me at this point  :-)

So - to whomever up there/out there is listening - what is going on?

I'm Baa-aack

After a long hiatus, I'm back. No particular reason for staying away other than just not feeling the need to write. But I realize it has been nearly three months! Where have I been? Travelling, holidays, back to work. Busy. But in good ways. The 'Healthy Living' project is still working well, even if the weight loss has stalled. Made it through the December holidays without too much weight gain (<5lbs) and have worked that back off and a tad bit more. I am finding some evenings and weekends a bit harder to fight off the urge for snacks, but I think that's the winter blahs more than anything. Hard to subvert the carb cravings with a walk when it is -30 or more outside! But I do feel more fit and energetic - new Active2 for the Wii from the son has really challenged me to get more fit - in lots of good ways reminds me I have a ways to go to really be fit. So I'm feeling pretty good about it all but do wish I could get off this plateau. At least 15 more lbs to go and I really want to get there by my birthday (May 1). It would mean a real transformation from last year and something to really celebrate. 


As I think about 2011 and my goals for the year, I realize that this is a year of transition in many ways. Transitioning still into 'empty-nester' parenting. It really does seem odd to not be a daily part of my son's life, but I know he is happy and healthy, and so I take joy in that. I do miss him though - he does give the best hugs :D Of course, being empty-nesters means transformation in my relationship with my spouse too. We spend more time together, and are much better about carving out 'our things' that we do just us two - like our holidays away, seafood buffet night at the casino, auctions, movies etc.,  Work is in a transition too - will I ever get used to being 'mid-career' and being asked/put in charge of things? But I'm keen for the challenges that are coming my way - managing people and having the political savvy to figure out how to get things done... lots to learn but I want to make sure I am still myself and hold to my own core values. I think I can do this and still be effective as a leader and decision-maker. Don't know though  if in just a year I will be as innovative and creative as my colleague who I'm stepping in for while they are on leave. Big shoes to fill. 


The university politics wear me down, as do the students that seem to forget that we are mere humans - but there are also lots of wonderful times where I feel I made a positive difference, opened minds and hearts, and created something interesting and special. I never seem to actually get everything done - always another project, another report/paper/thing to do...
It would be nice one day to literally say 'that's a wrap' but I don't think that's going to happen until the day I retire...and as that's not until 2030...


how are you doing? how is 2011 looking for you?

Celebrating being in a good place...

Wow - what a difference a few months or weeks can make. If I have learned anything over the last little while it is that if you can help, fix, do something good or nice for yourself or others - do it! Don't be afraid of drawing attention to yourself or of criticism of 'overstepping' - sometimes things just need to be done and so long as you aren't mean or cruel or overly aggressive, just keep working at it.

This applies to work and to personal things. First the personal weight/fitness struggle. I was getting frustrated as I couldn't seem to budge off the 30 lbs lost. Which yeah - is great but ... Couldn't figure out what was going on other than just one of those metabolic plateaus where it seems my metabolism had packed up and moved :). Felt pretty crappy when I actually gained back a couple of pounds for no reason I could fathom. So I decided to up the exercise a bit - exercise bike in the AM, walks or WiiFit Plus (which I recommend - so fun!) for a bit in the evening. Nothing too onerous but a few calories to the good. So I am now proud to report that another 5lbs have 'left the building'. Of course I'm pretty sure the fact that winter has come here and I'm doing more walking through 10-15cm of snow and in COLD temperatures can't hurt - how many calories do you burn in 20 minutes walking in -15C I wonder?

Another 20-25 to go to my ideal weight. The goal is at least another 10 by Feb when the family trip to Disney World happens. The whole thing, and hopefully nice and stable, by the August trip with Darling Sister to California. I'm feeling so much better physically and mentally its CRAZY. Didn't really realize how horrible, tired and well - sick - I was feeling. Well I did in some way as that feeling - wanting to escape it - is part of what motivated me to start this Get Healthy campaign, and is motivating me to stick to it.

At work, I think I've finally grown comfortable with the notion of being 'mid-career' and being 'administratively-oriented'. I wasn't comfortable with it AT ALL earlier in my career and it wasn't much better even just a year or two ago, even though I seemed to regularly have good people nudging me in this direction. I was too busy feeling bad about not being a 'big time, big money' researcher. I know - letting the expectations of others weigh me down again....But the university culture is very very good at making you feel terrible if you aren't bringing in millions of research dollars.

I'm far more comfortable now with the notion that I can work to ease the paths of those who ARE 'big-time researchers' or at least are working towards that, by accepting and using my skills to be a good university admin person - or at least for now know how to / can find out how to get things done and then ensure that they ARE done. These last couple of weeks I've been able to 1) proceed on a teaching faculty hire that should have been in place for the start of THIS academic year, not next, but was neglected by Passive Aggressive Man. ARGH, and 2) find a workable, if temporary solution to an awful space problem for a junior colleague, which was again linked others NOT doing their jobs, or at least doing them poorly and letting a junior colleague flounder. All I did really was ask questions and 'start balls rolling' and well - things happened. Got me to thinking - being an advocate for the needs of my colleagues, so they can not just succeed but excel - I LIKE THIS :D. I CAN DO THIS. :)  Not being pushy or nasty - just persistent and trying to find solutions workable for all. Hmmm - I might be able to make a positive difference - nothing earth shattering but a genuine contribution. Yes, I have my projects and articles...and my teaching...but I'm content with finding a new balance where what too often in academe is derogatorily called 'admin' or 'service' is a bigger piece of my 'pie'. Am I nuts? I don't think any more than I've always been...just finally getting more comfortable in my own skin.

Hallelujah.

It's November, Part 2, or: The Rise of Passive Aggressive Man

As expected, our latest department 'chat' was veeeeeery interesting. I admittedly came to stir the pot, which was in desperate need of it, and overall things worked well. That is:
1. More than 2 people attended
2. Topics were addressed and interesting and important discussions insued
3. No one was harmed no matter how annoying, insipid or passive aggressive they became (specifically the person 'running' said 'chat/informal meeting')
4. A junior colleague is going to work with me to get support for moving (FINALLY) on a hire that his grants support and require, but which our 'leader' has let slide for A YEAR!
5. There was agreement that informal meetings are not working (no one comes and no decisions can be made - they are merely information gathering by the 'leader' - read 'idea generator' as he seems to come up with none on his own)
6. We need to (re)institute at least 2, or more as business requires, formal departmental meetings complete with agendas, minutes and at least 1 week notice to members; and
7. There was agreement that the standing committees, particularly the curriculum committees, need to actually be called to meet and USED to take care of numerous issues and tasks relating to curriculum.

Yippee. Is it just me or does this sound like well ... basic institutional management?

Most interesting was that (and I don't think the individual in question realized this) they 'revealed their hand' to me. Let's just say I called this person out on a mistake they made - which I learned about through other colleagues in other units (who are highly respected and very reasonable people who came to me, confused by the reaction of my unit head). First, I asked a week prior to the meeting about said decision in an email, and in it presented reasoned arguments for NOT making the decision they were reported to have made. Importantly, there was no reply. None - emails about other things but no mention of this item. When a brief agenda was circulated for yesterday's meeting (only 2 days before, sigh), I asked for the topic of this decision to be added, in order for this decision, and the larger issue, to get some needed discussion. OK you say, what is the 'revealed hand'?
So in the 'chat' I start to give a brief explanation of the issue, only to be interrupted by who forever after we will call Passive Aggressive Man to say 1) there is no issue and there never was, what am I talking about? 2) my colleagues are simply wrong (so there must be some issue after all, or what are they wrong about?, and if anything they are at fault for not meeting with him (they were given about 48 hrs only to do this and are busy professionals), and 3) talked over me in what I can only describe as a 'pissy' tone that the people to take this up with are my colleagues in another unit - it's their problem! I kept calm through all this, emphasized that these are senior and well-respected academics who would not raise something they did not find concerning. While this specific situation may now be settled for this year, there is a larger issue that is the rightful focus of the curriculum committees (and I reminded the group that that they have not met in over a year!). As an explanation for this non-use of the committees,  P.A. Man actually said they 'needed a rest after all the great work they did last year'. 'Scuse me? Yeah they did a lot but the work of an academic unit doesn't 'rest'!!.

So get to the point right - what was revealed? As I see it, Passive Aggressive Man really REALLY did not like the fact I caught him out and called him on a bad decision, a decision others know he (tried) to make and should not have. I criticized him, and then rather than letting me know before the meeting it was settled (i.e., reply to my email), waited to try and embarrass me in a meeting to get back at me. Which another person might have been, but not me...because I know the truth of what happened. He thinks I tried to make him look bad / incompetent / just plain wrong - seriously no trying is required he does such a good job himself. And well - it didn't work because it was apparent from what others at the meeting said that they understand what was going on and that yes, this is an issue that should not have been handled the way it was. So Passive Aggressive Man just ended up looking ineffectual and pissy, surely not his goal.

And me? Forewarned is for-armed. Try to intimidate me? Really? REALLY? Game on mister.

It must be November...

Ahh November...one of the crazy times in academe. I'm never bothered much by start of term - September seems full of energy and well, I've had chunks of August to prepare in a relaxed mode. Not so now. The administrative machine needs to be fed before the end of the fall term, so meetings are filling up the calendar; meetings for which preparation is required. Grad student research proposal defenses need chairing, and I can't really say 'no' to all of them, can I? Exam scripts need to be reviewed and submitted (and I never learned the trick of keeping the exams identical year after year, and don't intend to). And, oh gawd, there is winter term to think of! Never seem to have the same sense of organization as we move into the second term; rush and panic --- do I need AV booked? Do I want to use texts in the seminar classes? Or will I go with readings again? Oh crap - need to review and update the readings...but when? Add in a dash of journal article reviews and a pinch of reacting to comments on my own publication submissions, not to mention the events in my College...

All of this is happening at the same time as I'm well - exhausted. I think I've been fighting something - my throat/voice has been sore/hoarse a lot more this term than usual. I really ought to have stock in Ricola and Fishermen's Friend lozenges. Lecturing every day has been harder on my voice than I remember from years past, for reasons unknown. Looking forward to that aspect of winter term seminar courses - generally I talk far less, and when I do it is in a regular speaking voice, not projecting to the back of a lecture theatre. Whew. I'd love to know what others who lecture a lot do to rest/take care of their voices. Suggestions?

The thing that is really niggling at me - well there are 2 really. The first is ongoing and increasing problems with my left hip. I thought getting the weight down would help (and in some ways I'm sure it has - yippee 30 lbs less than when I started this 'get healthy' effort in late July!), but the increased exercise seems to be aggravating it. The problem is - I was diagnosed with scoliosis at 14 during a public health screening at my school (this was a 'thing' in Ontario at the time). My parents did not follow up with our doctor because of some weird thing my mother has with public health - apparently they are quacks according to her. Anyway - the result is that my left hip is lower than the right, which sets up all sorts of weird things in the joint. Not enough to notice when you see me standing there, but enough to, at age 45, cause me at times significant pain and discomfort. It used to be the hip flexors and tendons would get tight and sore or my knee would be aggravated, and I could exercise, walk and use chiropractic treatments to get things pain-free again. Not so now - now I think there is arthritis in the hip joint. This has been disrupting my sleep and well - I'm not much good to anyone when I'm overtired. While it can be ok during the day, things tighten up at night (and in the cold - yippee and I live in Winterpeg) and then - oweee. So I'm off to the doctor's next week to start down whatever road needs travelling to address this...'cause clearly it's not going to magically go away. Gawd getting older truly sucks.

The other thing - now this is work related, and my ongoing struggle to not tear a strip off a certain 'leader' (I use the term very, very loosely). The latest? Well let's just say I keep hearing "If it weren't for bad decisions, there'd be no decisions at all..." in my head, sung to that tune from the old HeeHaw show where they sing about bad luck in a lovely over-the-top country twang. (Google it, those too young or not Canadian enough quite to know this reference :) ). I just can't fathom how you can so NOT do your job. I can completely understand feeling and being overwhelmed, not knowing exactly what you should be doing, but then I would ASK for help, guidance, and well, take lots of notes! At the very very least I would confer with my colleagues on a regular basis because after all, it's there department I'd be trying to make sure works properly. Sigh.... it sure would be nice to care a bit less but then that is apparently not who I am.

Well this has now turned into a small novel, and I'm sure that there will be a Part Duh! to the last paragraph next week...so I will stop. But please! -- if you have any advice on how to deal with co-workers that make your head spin like something out of the Exorcist PLEASE pass it on!

Perspective

Yesterday I attended a memorial service. Thankfully not something I have had to do a lot, yet, in my life. This was, however, a particularly memorable event for more than its rarity. I was there to say goodbye to a colleague and mentor who was one of the few threads that tie my life as a student in Ontario to my life in Manitoba as a professor. But that is really not the important thing here. This was a woman of rare humanity and skill as a researcher, scholar and mentor; and yet was so much more. Here was a woman to look up to, someone to be like when "I grow up" because of the obvious passion with which she led her life. It seems so utterly unfair that this is the person who is diagnosed with cancer and then is gone in 4 months.

I'm going to be processing this for awhile, but I think the message I took from her wonderful eulogy is that if you want to do it, DO IT. If you care about people, animals, food and the world at large - love them all you can, share the bounties of your life, and let the people in your life know how special they are. Do it all, and do it now. You may not get a better time. Do good work, do it with conviction and passion, but remember that your work is not your life...ok a piece of it but not all of it.

Truthfully, I think the quote used in the eulogy from Hunter S. Thompson sums up where my thoughts are today:

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke [glass of Pinot Grigio in hand!], thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!’”