Musings about possible futures

Over the last academic term, I've gotten to meet and work with a number of new people, and to get to know others in my circle of colleagues and acquaintances much better. In some cases, not to the betterment of relations, but generally this has all been very positive. It has resulted in opportunities coming my way in the fairly immediate, and the somewhat more distance future. I'm quite keen to see where and what and how being an associate dean for a year teaches me and expands my horizons. But I am also increasingly aware that at least 2 'big jobs' can be mine if I want them in 1-2 years.

I know, I know - why think about things 2 years hence? Because I'm a planner and well - if I don't do these things then groundwork needs to be done to set others into these positions.

So I'm pondering now two scenarios:

1) in two years I put my name forward to run a department - because it desperately needs leadership and change and I can do that, BUT the next 5 years will be hard, likely regularly ugly and difficult and an exercises in frustration. It MIGHT not be that bad, but I haven't seen any who did the job well also say they liked it - they have said I'd be good at it and I do have a certain sense of loyalty and a bad case of the 'oughts'
2) in two years I put my name forward for an admin position in my college - maybe only 1 year after other commitments are fulfilled. Also a position of leadership and often change too, BUT one that I have some prior experience of and which, while full of lots of hard work, will be FUN by virtue of who I'd be working with. The problems in this arena are minor compared to the other job. Life would be easier, less stressful in this job - however it is easily argued that perhaps the other position is one that needs a committed person more. Sigh.

Both positions speak to my sense of duty, to my desire to 'make things work better' - but one I think will be a helluva lot more fun...though perhaps is of less prestige/less likely to be a springboard to higher levels of admin work. Do I care about that though? OR is that just my evil competitive side that has gotten me in trouble before, taking on things because I think I should/maybe no one else will, rather than listening to what my heart and gut are trying to say?

New acquaintances in the Anglican hierarchy talk about 'discernment' - literally discerning your path through opening your heart and mind to God's will. Sounds a bit like waiting for God to talk to you, which makes me feel a bit odd to say the least. But 'discern my path' I surely need to do. Some talks are in order, and some time to think, and to watch and see what comes my way over the next year and a bit.

Questions to Self:
1) Just how ambitious am I?
2) Who am I really trying to impress?
3) Will I be fulfilled by doing what I 'ought' or what I 'want'?
4) Haven't I earned the right to simply do what makes me happy? If I have - why do I feel guilty about it?

The more things change...

The more things change ... they are different? (Profound eh?) Wow what a ride the last few weeks have been. I find myself more and more perplexed by the motivations of the people around me. Well that's not fair - perplexed by those that can't seem to keep themselves from making choices / behaving in ways that seem to be at best counter-productive and at worst, not in anyone's best interest, especially theirs.

Passive-Aggressive Man apparently went away for not only term break but another week on top of that in order to perfect the aggressive part of his nature. Yippee. So much for the tactic of steady but polite pressure as a means of getting P-A Man to maybe oh I don't know - make a decision? give a crap? Sigh...where frustration had moved to sympathy it is now rapidly moving to disdain. And not just for me. There may actually be a band of folks in my unit who've had enough and want to see some change asap. Feeling a bit like I'm at the start of a coup d'etat...

On the family side of things...is it that 'pride go-eth before the fall' OR 'pride causes the fall'? Still can't wrap my head around why Mother Dear would chose to move to a tiny (REALLY tiny) geared-to-income seniors apartment in the same neighbourhood she lived in when her marriage of 30 years ended (which is also auto-suburbia with truly crap bus service and nothing really to walk to and she doesn't drive - can you say isolation) when there are options available to her from her own children (aka ME) to live in a lovely apartment condo in a nice neighbourhood close to all sorts of amenities and family - which we would buy for her - in our city OR hers. Gah - my boy cares enough when I'm older to look after me a bit, I'm taking it. It's the only way I can collect on any of the approximately $8 million we agree he owes me at this point  :-)

So - to whomever up there/out there is listening - what is going on?

I'm Baa-aack

After a long hiatus, I'm back. No particular reason for staying away other than just not feeling the need to write. But I realize it has been nearly three months! Where have I been? Travelling, holidays, back to work. Busy. But in good ways. The 'Healthy Living' project is still working well, even if the weight loss has stalled. Made it through the December holidays without too much weight gain (<5lbs) and have worked that back off and a tad bit more. I am finding some evenings and weekends a bit harder to fight off the urge for snacks, but I think that's the winter blahs more than anything. Hard to subvert the carb cravings with a walk when it is -30 or more outside! But I do feel more fit and energetic - new Active2 for the Wii from the son has really challenged me to get more fit - in lots of good ways reminds me I have a ways to go to really be fit. So I'm feeling pretty good about it all but do wish I could get off this plateau. At least 15 more lbs to go and I really want to get there by my birthday (May 1). It would mean a real transformation from last year and something to really celebrate. 


As I think about 2011 and my goals for the year, I realize that this is a year of transition in many ways. Transitioning still into 'empty-nester' parenting. It really does seem odd to not be a daily part of my son's life, but I know he is happy and healthy, and so I take joy in that. I do miss him though - he does give the best hugs :D Of course, being empty-nesters means transformation in my relationship with my spouse too. We spend more time together, and are much better about carving out 'our things' that we do just us two - like our holidays away, seafood buffet night at the casino, auctions, movies etc.,  Work is in a transition too - will I ever get used to being 'mid-career' and being asked/put in charge of things? But I'm keen for the challenges that are coming my way - managing people and having the political savvy to figure out how to get things done... lots to learn but I want to make sure I am still myself and hold to my own core values. I think I can do this and still be effective as a leader and decision-maker. Don't know though  if in just a year I will be as innovative and creative as my colleague who I'm stepping in for while they are on leave. Big shoes to fill. 


The university politics wear me down, as do the students that seem to forget that we are mere humans - but there are also lots of wonderful times where I feel I made a positive difference, opened minds and hearts, and created something interesting and special. I never seem to actually get everything done - always another project, another report/paper/thing to do...
It would be nice one day to literally say 'that's a wrap' but I don't think that's going to happen until the day I retire...and as that's not until 2030...


how are you doing? how is 2011 looking for you?

Celebrating being in a good place...

Wow - what a difference a few months or weeks can make. If I have learned anything over the last little while it is that if you can help, fix, do something good or nice for yourself or others - do it! Don't be afraid of drawing attention to yourself or of criticism of 'overstepping' - sometimes things just need to be done and so long as you aren't mean or cruel or overly aggressive, just keep working at it.

This applies to work and to personal things. First the personal weight/fitness struggle. I was getting frustrated as I couldn't seem to budge off the 30 lbs lost. Which yeah - is great but ... Couldn't figure out what was going on other than just one of those metabolic plateaus where it seems my metabolism had packed up and moved :). Felt pretty crappy when I actually gained back a couple of pounds for no reason I could fathom. So I decided to up the exercise a bit - exercise bike in the AM, walks or WiiFit Plus (which I recommend - so fun!) for a bit in the evening. Nothing too onerous but a few calories to the good. So I am now proud to report that another 5lbs have 'left the building'. Of course I'm pretty sure the fact that winter has come here and I'm doing more walking through 10-15cm of snow and in COLD temperatures can't hurt - how many calories do you burn in 20 minutes walking in -15C I wonder?

Another 20-25 to go to my ideal weight. The goal is at least another 10 by Feb when the family trip to Disney World happens. The whole thing, and hopefully nice and stable, by the August trip with Darling Sister to California. I'm feeling so much better physically and mentally its CRAZY. Didn't really realize how horrible, tired and well - sick - I was feeling. Well I did in some way as that feeling - wanting to escape it - is part of what motivated me to start this Get Healthy campaign, and is motivating me to stick to it.

At work, I think I've finally grown comfortable with the notion of being 'mid-career' and being 'administratively-oriented'. I wasn't comfortable with it AT ALL earlier in my career and it wasn't much better even just a year or two ago, even though I seemed to regularly have good people nudging me in this direction. I was too busy feeling bad about not being a 'big time, big money' researcher. I know - letting the expectations of others weigh me down again....But the university culture is very very good at making you feel terrible if you aren't bringing in millions of research dollars.

I'm far more comfortable now with the notion that I can work to ease the paths of those who ARE 'big-time researchers' or at least are working towards that, by accepting and using my skills to be a good university admin person - or at least for now know how to / can find out how to get things done and then ensure that they ARE done. These last couple of weeks I've been able to 1) proceed on a teaching faculty hire that should have been in place for the start of THIS academic year, not next, but was neglected by Passive Aggressive Man. ARGH, and 2) find a workable, if temporary solution to an awful space problem for a junior colleague, which was again linked others NOT doing their jobs, or at least doing them poorly and letting a junior colleague flounder. All I did really was ask questions and 'start balls rolling' and well - things happened. Got me to thinking - being an advocate for the needs of my colleagues, so they can not just succeed but excel - I LIKE THIS :D. I CAN DO THIS. :)  Not being pushy or nasty - just persistent and trying to find solutions workable for all. Hmmm - I might be able to make a positive difference - nothing earth shattering but a genuine contribution. Yes, I have my projects and articles...and my teaching...but I'm content with finding a new balance where what too often in academe is derogatorily called 'admin' or 'service' is a bigger piece of my 'pie'. Am I nuts? I don't think any more than I've always been...just finally getting more comfortable in my own skin.

Hallelujah.

It's November, Part 2, or: The Rise of Passive Aggressive Man

As expected, our latest department 'chat' was veeeeeery interesting. I admittedly came to stir the pot, which was in desperate need of it, and overall things worked well. That is:
1. More than 2 people attended
2. Topics were addressed and interesting and important discussions insued
3. No one was harmed no matter how annoying, insipid or passive aggressive they became (specifically the person 'running' said 'chat/informal meeting')
4. A junior colleague is going to work with me to get support for moving (FINALLY) on a hire that his grants support and require, but which our 'leader' has let slide for A YEAR!
5. There was agreement that informal meetings are not working (no one comes and no decisions can be made - they are merely information gathering by the 'leader' - read 'idea generator' as he seems to come up with none on his own)
6. We need to (re)institute at least 2, or more as business requires, formal departmental meetings complete with agendas, minutes and at least 1 week notice to members; and
7. There was agreement that the standing committees, particularly the curriculum committees, need to actually be called to meet and USED to take care of numerous issues and tasks relating to curriculum.

Yippee. Is it just me or does this sound like well ... basic institutional management?

Most interesting was that (and I don't think the individual in question realized this) they 'revealed their hand' to me. Let's just say I called this person out on a mistake they made - which I learned about through other colleagues in other units (who are highly respected and very reasonable people who came to me, confused by the reaction of my unit head). First, I asked a week prior to the meeting about said decision in an email, and in it presented reasoned arguments for NOT making the decision they were reported to have made. Importantly, there was no reply. None - emails about other things but no mention of this item. When a brief agenda was circulated for yesterday's meeting (only 2 days before, sigh), I asked for the topic of this decision to be added, in order for this decision, and the larger issue, to get some needed discussion. OK you say, what is the 'revealed hand'?
So in the 'chat' I start to give a brief explanation of the issue, only to be interrupted by who forever after we will call Passive Aggressive Man to say 1) there is no issue and there never was, what am I talking about? 2) my colleagues are simply wrong (so there must be some issue after all, or what are they wrong about?, and if anything they are at fault for not meeting with him (they were given about 48 hrs only to do this and are busy professionals), and 3) talked over me in what I can only describe as a 'pissy' tone that the people to take this up with are my colleagues in another unit - it's their problem! I kept calm through all this, emphasized that these are senior and well-respected academics who would not raise something they did not find concerning. While this specific situation may now be settled for this year, there is a larger issue that is the rightful focus of the curriculum committees (and I reminded the group that that they have not met in over a year!). As an explanation for this non-use of the committees,  P.A. Man actually said they 'needed a rest after all the great work they did last year'. 'Scuse me? Yeah they did a lot but the work of an academic unit doesn't 'rest'!!.

So get to the point right - what was revealed? As I see it, Passive Aggressive Man really REALLY did not like the fact I caught him out and called him on a bad decision, a decision others know he (tried) to make and should not have. I criticized him, and then rather than letting me know before the meeting it was settled (i.e., reply to my email), waited to try and embarrass me in a meeting to get back at me. Which another person might have been, but not me...because I know the truth of what happened. He thinks I tried to make him look bad / incompetent / just plain wrong - seriously no trying is required he does such a good job himself. And well - it didn't work because it was apparent from what others at the meeting said that they understand what was going on and that yes, this is an issue that should not have been handled the way it was. So Passive Aggressive Man just ended up looking ineffectual and pissy, surely not his goal.

And me? Forewarned is for-armed. Try to intimidate me? Really? REALLY? Game on mister.

It must be November...

Ahh November...one of the crazy times in academe. I'm never bothered much by start of term - September seems full of energy and well, I've had chunks of August to prepare in a relaxed mode. Not so now. The administrative machine needs to be fed before the end of the fall term, so meetings are filling up the calendar; meetings for which preparation is required. Grad student research proposal defenses need chairing, and I can't really say 'no' to all of them, can I? Exam scripts need to be reviewed and submitted (and I never learned the trick of keeping the exams identical year after year, and don't intend to). And, oh gawd, there is winter term to think of! Never seem to have the same sense of organization as we move into the second term; rush and panic --- do I need AV booked? Do I want to use texts in the seminar classes? Or will I go with readings again? Oh crap - need to review and update the readings...but when? Add in a dash of journal article reviews and a pinch of reacting to comments on my own publication submissions, not to mention the events in my College...

All of this is happening at the same time as I'm well - exhausted. I think I've been fighting something - my throat/voice has been sore/hoarse a lot more this term than usual. I really ought to have stock in Ricola and Fishermen's Friend lozenges. Lecturing every day has been harder on my voice than I remember from years past, for reasons unknown. Looking forward to that aspect of winter term seminar courses - generally I talk far less, and when I do it is in a regular speaking voice, not projecting to the back of a lecture theatre. Whew. I'd love to know what others who lecture a lot do to rest/take care of their voices. Suggestions?

The thing that is really niggling at me - well there are 2 really. The first is ongoing and increasing problems with my left hip. I thought getting the weight down would help (and in some ways I'm sure it has - yippee 30 lbs less than when I started this 'get healthy' effort in late July!), but the increased exercise seems to be aggravating it. The problem is - I was diagnosed with scoliosis at 14 during a public health screening at my school (this was a 'thing' in Ontario at the time). My parents did not follow up with our doctor because of some weird thing my mother has with public health - apparently they are quacks according to her. Anyway - the result is that my left hip is lower than the right, which sets up all sorts of weird things in the joint. Not enough to notice when you see me standing there, but enough to, at age 45, cause me at times significant pain and discomfort. It used to be the hip flexors and tendons would get tight and sore or my knee would be aggravated, and I could exercise, walk and use chiropractic treatments to get things pain-free again. Not so now - now I think there is arthritis in the hip joint. This has been disrupting my sleep and well - I'm not much good to anyone when I'm overtired. While it can be ok during the day, things tighten up at night (and in the cold - yippee and I live in Winterpeg) and then - oweee. So I'm off to the doctor's next week to start down whatever road needs travelling to address this...'cause clearly it's not going to magically go away. Gawd getting older truly sucks.

The other thing - now this is work related, and my ongoing struggle to not tear a strip off a certain 'leader' (I use the term very, very loosely). The latest? Well let's just say I keep hearing "If it weren't for bad decisions, there'd be no decisions at all..." in my head, sung to that tune from the old HeeHaw show where they sing about bad luck in a lovely over-the-top country twang. (Google it, those too young or not Canadian enough quite to know this reference :) ). I just can't fathom how you can so NOT do your job. I can completely understand feeling and being overwhelmed, not knowing exactly what you should be doing, but then I would ASK for help, guidance, and well, take lots of notes! At the very very least I would confer with my colleagues on a regular basis because after all, it's there department I'd be trying to make sure works properly. Sigh.... it sure would be nice to care a bit less but then that is apparently not who I am.

Well this has now turned into a small novel, and I'm sure that there will be a Part Duh! to the last paragraph next week...so I will stop. But please! -- if you have any advice on how to deal with co-workers that make your head spin like something out of the Exorcist PLEASE pass it on!

Perspective

Yesterday I attended a memorial service. Thankfully not something I have had to do a lot, yet, in my life. This was, however, a particularly memorable event for more than its rarity. I was there to say goodbye to a colleague and mentor who was one of the few threads that tie my life as a student in Ontario to my life in Manitoba as a professor. But that is really not the important thing here. This was a woman of rare humanity and skill as a researcher, scholar and mentor; and yet was so much more. Here was a woman to look up to, someone to be like when "I grow up" because of the obvious passion with which she led her life. It seems so utterly unfair that this is the person who is diagnosed with cancer and then is gone in 4 months.

I'm going to be processing this for awhile, but I think the message I took from her wonderful eulogy is that if you want to do it, DO IT. If you care about people, animals, food and the world at large - love them all you can, share the bounties of your life, and let the people in your life know how special they are. Do it all, and do it now. You may not get a better time. Do good work, do it with conviction and passion, but remember that your work is not your life...ok a piece of it but not all of it.

Truthfully, I think the quote used in the eulogy from Hunter S. Thompson sums up where my thoughts are today:

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke [glass of Pinot Grigio in hand!], thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!’”

Back at it...

Fall has arrived with a thud, and I'm back in the routine of teaching classes. Not too much that is challenging in teaching first and second year, but I like it. A couple of other small projects, and an invited article that isn't due to Feb. Feel pretty much in control and there have only been a few meetings requiring my presence. This afternoon I have a first - invited to a 'think tank' for design and architecture - they seem to think a geographer might have some interesting and useful info/perspectives on space, place and interiors. If I feel a tool I'll plead a headache and leave early, but it could be quite interesting...and I get dinner. Hopefully it is something I can eat, given my new healthy eating/weight loss regime.

Good news here. Feeling healthier and have dropped 20lbs now. What a difference. Still a ways to go to get to a truly healthy weight, but this is a big step in that direction. Hopeful that I will reach my goal of another 5-10 lbs lighter by the holidays, and another 20 by our trip to Florida in Feb. I think I can do it, sticking to the patterns of exercise and healthy eating (and portions) I have embarked upon.

Gotta just keep moving...

Fall Beckons

The weather has turned cool, and I swear I heard a Canada goose yesterday. Fall is here. And even if the weather hadn't changed, the university where I work is populated again. You'd think I'd get used to it after all these years, but the sudden appearance of students and faculty always seems a shock after the quiet of the summer. Classes don't start until Thursday, but the Orientation groups are marching around, and students are scurrying around trying to find rooms. Three different groups of students asked me for directions today - one particularly anxious student walked right into my office (I'm near a stairwell) breathless and lost. Students don't read the signs to see that if they turn one way, all they will get to are offices, not classrooms. Apparently wayfinding is a lost art.

I'm feeling pretty good about the new term. Got a new iMac so I have a LOVELY new computer that is fast and just well - cool! Rearranged and cleaned the office too - much much better. Fresh start, fresh look. Teaching first and second year courses that I've taught lots before - tweaking and updating but should be an easy term when it comes to teaching. A couple of projects on the go, but nothing huge at the moment. Going to enjoy and get some writing done - a book review and an article I've been thinking about for awhile.


The healthy living program is going well. Making sure I do something every day - WiiFit or exercise bike - more walking - or like this weekend - gardening and moving books (lots) up to the new home office. Still looking for shelves, but soon... Have now lost about 17 lbs and working on making 20 lbs or better gone by the end of the month. Getting used to lots of fruit, veg and fish. Feeling SO MUCH more energized. The ticket is I have to do something when I get up, when I feel most motivated.

Good news on the book front - my book that came out in July - well according to amazon.ca, yesterday there was only 1 copy left with the promise of more on the way!! So that means they are selling!! woohoo!! Wow - I might actually get a royalty cheque! YES! This is the best sort of affirmation.


So - have to just keep on keeping on, keep working, keep moving. So - I'm off for a walk.
See ya around the neighbourhood.

Celebrating Some Success

Things are actually coming together, or at least it seems like it. This could just be just the calm before the storm however - in 2 weeks we are back in session and I'm back in the classroom. The calendar is already filling up. Planning meetings, committee meetings, meetings with graduate students...oh and somewhere in there some class prep!

But I have managed to write and submit (just yesterday - still basking in the glow!) a journal article and it is pretty darn good if I do say so. This winds up a project with a colleague that has been a load of fun and has opened up enticing new areas for me in what I have come to call 'family geographies' (Now available from Oxford University Press via Amazon!) :D  Time to update the CV with another publication 'under review'. Next step - the draft chapter on feminist geography for a book on cultural geography that I'm contributing to a colleague's book. This has been a long, delayed and painful project. I don't think I would do this again. It just has been like having wisdom teeth pulled without the happy knock out drugs. It's true - sometimes what sounds like an interesting opportunity should be left as just that - and not another project to take on. Still have to finish a book I said I'd review for my discipline's flagship journal by October some time, and there is another article due in Feb - an invited one with a colleague in religion. Very cool project looking at how we in N. America relate to bears and specifically the story of the memorializing of a 'zoo celebrity bear' at our local zoo here. Debbie was famous for being the oldest polar bear in captivity and was something of a local celebrity. 400+ people came to a memorial service for her in the dead of a Manitoba winter and marked her passing, outside! So its not like I don't still have lots and lots to do - but for a change I actually feel like it will all be accomplished - Keep Calm and Carry On!

I think part of this good feeling is that things are swimming along on the personal front. As of today I have officially lost 10lbs. Well - I didn't 'lose' it - I have returned my fat to the universe, thanks very much but I don't want it/need it anymore. Thirty more to go. My goal is to lose this before our Feb 2011 holiday in Florida. By Christmas would be brilliant but I want to be realistic. I know I will hit a plateau or two along the way and I have to not lose my resolve. Found a brand of veggie chips and one of guacamole flavoured taco chips that allow me to indulge a craving for 130-150 cal and so not be wracked with futility. Mostly I have to watch the emotional eating and KEEP MOVING. Which reminds me I still need to get on the exercise bike today...

The other good news is the Son has solved his housing situation and does not need to move back home! He and some friends found a house to rent, and he is actively looking for a better job than slinging subs at 2am. Ok so he needs $$ for the rent for the first month but heck, getting used to being Parent Bank of Canada. At least we are in a position to assist. I owe the gods and goddesses on this one.

So - time to get cracking on some things - tomorrow I start work on organizing my first year course for the new term and getting the course outline done. Today I'm devoting 3-4 hours to the book chapter, and then its a trip to Michaels for scrapbooking pages I think. But first - to the bike!

You gotta start somewhere...

Can this really work for me?

So, I've been feeling like a slug since, well, halfway through Italy. A stiff, hip creaking, footsore slug. Gee, untreated scoliosis does eventually catch up to you. Sigh.

About 15 months ago, in the last days of what we now call 'the sketchy period' in my almost 19 year old's life (otherwise known as 18+ months of hell), I stopped going to pilates, and stopped using the WiiFit I begged my husband for. Begged. I just didn't have the energy, the willpower. I wanted to just relax and enjoy myself once the kid was getting residential rehab. Problem was, between the stress and the 'I deserve this' attitude, I've gained about 12 lbs. And I was a good 20-25 lbs overweight before. But I was at least in better shape before.


So much inertia ... but I have to get moving and make time to do the exercisery things I, well if not enjoy, at least like. The kid is healthy and living his life and is figuring things out as all kids his age need to do. So what excuse do I have? Why do I crave the junk so much, and avoid exercise like the plague...oh yeah I hate to feel sweaty...hmmm

But today - I finally had enough. I weigh more now than I ever have. I don't expect at 45 to be in the shape I was 20 years ago... but this weight has got to come down for health reasons alone.
So - I have a year before I take on a new administrative job at my university. One year to lose 40 lbs and get healthier and feel more energetic. I can do this. I've done it before (ok years ago when my metabolism worked better, but still...). I eat pretty well already (healthy, low fat etc). I just have to KEEP MOVING!
Started today getting back on the WiiFit. Did my 30 minutes (31 actually) of yoga and aerobics. Focused on abs, thighs and hips as these are my problem spots. Feels really really good. If I can do this every morning before my shower I'm golden...I feel energized and it will make me drag my sorry ass out of bed. If I couple this with a bike ride in the evening for even 20 minutes...

I have to do this. Now. I have to stop wishing and start doing. I think I should make this quote from Eat, Pray, Love my new mantra: "Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone should be".


Wish me luck. And no cravings for Cheese Puffs. Sigh.

A case of the summer blahs

I know, I know - isn't it supposed to be 'winter blahs'? Maybe, but for me it is summer blahs. Too much heat, too much unstructured time. Don't get me wrong - I have lots to do but either it's big stuff I can't seem to muster the energy to do (painting, furniture buying, massive gardening...) or it is well...work. Reading and writing and unfortunately it feels like the Muses have taken July off. Or at least mine have.

What to do to jump start the energy levels? August looms with all its 'get ready for September' and multiple family birthday craziness, as well as a trip to Vegas with the Dear Husband. I HAVE to get some work done in the next few weeks but I look at the calendar and just sigh...with a side helping of panic.

What I really want to do is go back to bed...gah! I'm turning into a slug! A giant west coast banana slug. Oh but wait! Just learned that the official mascot of UC, Santa Cruz is ... the banana slug!! There may be some inspiration here...

Quick! Where is the Anti-Negativity Spray?

As noted in earlier blogs, I'm not a big fan of 'The Negative'. Too much energy by far too many people is spent on the details of the cloud without even registering that it has a silver lining. This leaves very little energy to develop ways of dispersing what clouds there may legitimately be.

This leads me to the latest developments in my academic department. Like universities everywhere, space has been, and no doubt will continue to be, a pressing issue. No one has enough, or certainly enough of the best quality, and no one likes to give up/share what they do have. We all seem to end up 'making do' however and still are highly productive.

In a nutshell, after years of wrangling, offices are moving. Fairly quickly too - which in a bureaucracy this size is a feat in and of itself. But when did decision-making and doing things quickly become something to be suspicious about? To see as disrespectful, as disappointing, as a 'forced move of displaced persons'. Yipes. You got what you wanted - a move that integrates far-flung units into more proximate space. Is it perfect? No - but then again what ever is? But this boat is leaving the dock - get on board and make the best of it or you WILL be left on shore. The time is now to think about the future and what we need to move forward, positively.

Personally, when I'm next shopping for mosquito spray I'm going to be looking for the anti-negativity spray too. We need a frikkin' case! Or better yet - a new unit fashion statement (see picture) - The Anti-Negativity Helmet!! Check it out (it's for real!) at: www.merchco-online.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=643

If money were no object, what would I do?

A friend of mine raised this interesting question in her blog. And it got me thinking - especially as my husband keeps buying LottoMax tickets and also talking about what he'd do if he didn't have to work. For him it was simple: World Series of Poker and golf and travel. Done.

But what would I do? Which begs a bigger question - just how central is my job as a professor to my identity, my sense of self? I fear it is more central than I'd like it to be. While I'm okay with not being a 'star' with megabucks in research dollars and dozens of graduate students (too much stress!!), I do know that being a scholar, a researcher, is who I am. I think I'd do it even if they didn't pay me. I just like to know 'stuff' and learning new things is interesting to me. Lately I have been getting more into theory and concepts and - gasp - philosophy. So yes, I'd still be a scholar whether I worked at a university or not. 

Still - what would I DO? I think I would love the book trade - Kindles be damned! I've thought about having a little shop, that focused on cooking and travel and well - cultural / geography stuff. I'd call it 'The Professor's Shelf'. I'd have reading groups and themed nights where people could come together over good food and good ideas. If the place broke even I'd be happy. I'd have all the good parts of my job, without the bureaucratic mess and without having to grade anyone on anything!

So - I still haven't answered the question of how central my job is to my identity. Can you separate the 'job' from the 'vocation'? Thoughts?

Back At It ... Oh Bother!

Today is my first day back on campus after a month traversing the planet. Ok, not the whole planet but still a good-sized chunk. Did my fair share and then some of work (week 1 of field course, article review, conference, edited book launched), got in some sight-seeing and some visits with friends and family etc., Wine tour in Niagara was so much fun! (Pics coming!) - I can't wait to do it again! If you go you MUST check out The Organized Crime Winery http://www.organizedcrimewine.com/
The Pinot Gris (my varietal of choice) was heavenly, and the story behind the name is just too much :). Pity you can only buy the wine on site :(
So - hmm - first day back to work and I'm already thinking about yummy wine. Just may have to crack open the bottle of prosecco hidden in the back of the fridge tonight. I've managed over the last while to 'close the book' as it were on a number of projects, but I still have several looming. Problem is my motivation is still basking in the Italian sunshine. Or maybe drooling in the Coach Store in Niagara Falls NY (thanks Sara! - saving my pennies now for a purse - the one I love is of course something like $400 - damn this living 'high off the hog!). But seriously - how to kick start my motivation and focus? What to do first? All are 'big': 2 book chapters for a cultural geography textbook; review of a book for an international scholarly journal - which means I have to read the book (drat!); write and submit an article for publication; grade PhD comprehensive exam ... that's all I can think of now other than short term things (submit expense claims, course modification form (oh did that one!), chair an MSc defense).

I'm stymied on how to prioritize; other than the defence and the PhD comps nothing has firm deadlines - though the book chapters are way, way overdue. Hmmm. Perhaps that is where I should start? Motivation - I need you!! The first chapter is a revision of a colleague's chapter on feminist geography. So much work...so little time. I must figure out a plan for how to revise, add, make it my own and current with the literature. There goes my June - thank god the porch is comfy and I can work out there - so what do I sacrifice to the Gods of Inspiration to get this going?

To quote my Favourite Bear ... Oh bother!

Hindsight

Have been back in Canada for a few days now. Allergies/cold has finally subsided - it's 2 days now with no meds...woohoo. Finally enough clarity of thought to actually do a bit of work (submit journal article review) while family is all at work/daycare.

Trying to assess whether field course running is really my thing. It's a lot harder / more nerve wracking than it sounds. Can my nerves take it again? Perhaps only if I top up what the university pays for airfare to go first class? That has got to make a difference! What was really interesting and special I think was really getting to know the students and have a laugh with them in a way you can't really in regular session. They get to see you as a real person more too, yet one who is intellectually curious and well - just plain curious.

I also think I need to better define how this relates to my own research and teaching. It does, but a bit on the tangential side -- though maybe not when I revise Food Geographies to be more about social-cultural landscapes and foodways. Hmmm.

And next time I'm bringing even less re: clothes and even more re: allergy/cold meds, both pills and lotions/ointments. I don't know what's in those Venetian mosquitoes but AAAHHH. Super-itch and red and nasty. Beware.

Posting from Venice!

Nearly two weeks in Italy, one week total in Venice and I'm actually ready to head home to Canada. This is a great adventure but there is something to be said for being 'home'. :) The course time went really well all things considered. All things include: one student being hospitalized in Venice for 3 days due to a stomach hernia/ulcer condition that saw him whisked to Ospedale de S. Giovanni e Paulo by water ambulance. Thanks Chris for warning me that there would be a crisis - this was it. Luckily with meds and rest the student was able to join us before we left for Valle de Belluno and while a bit weak was ok to do the course activities. The hospital is well - across some 4 buildings including a church which all date to the 14th and 16th centuries. Never been in a hospital with a treed courtyard in the centre before...a therapeutic landscape?

Have seen SOOO much it is hard to relate in a quick blog entry from a wifi spot where I'm paying 5 euros for a half hour time. I did manage to get a cold/develop allergies which some great drugs from a 'farmacia' has made liveable bu man oh man up early and tromping around the countryside is exhausting!

The best thing by far, so far, has been seeing all the amazing art in the Accademia here in Venice, and visiting the lagoon islands of Burano, and especially Torcello. Torcello was the first place settled by the Veneti people escaping the Huns in the 9th century. The basilica there is approaching 1,000 yrs old, full of amazing Byzantine religious art. Just awe-inspiring. Apparently plague etc, wiped out many of the people, the rest relocated to the Rialto area of what is now Venice. Oh and also finding this amazing 'legatoria' Rivoaltus again- the family makes all their own paper and books and well - this place is a real find. Find it if you come here. Charming people and they wrap up every purchase like a gift :) Last 'great thing' - being here for the Marriage of the Sea ceremony and seeing a reinactment of the parade of the Doge and dignitaries and then the boats the next day filling the Grand Canal. Very cool!!

The worst thing? Aside from the allergies/cold - after awhile the crowds and constant selling of stuff gets to you. Oh and the mosquitoes in Venice which are a bit bad now after weeks of wet and rain and cool temperatures.

Today is my last day and I still need to pick up a gift for my son and see if I can find sandals. I'm too cheap I think - saw great shoes but can't stomach 260 euros! Going to S. Stae on the vaporetto and check out Ca'Pesaro and the art collection there and then taking it easy. Leave on a water taxi at 5:30AM tomorrow...arrivederci Venezia...

Have to seriously think about whether or not to do this again...the course that is...I would come to Venice again, but with hubby or sister.

Ready for Italy (??)

In just a few days I leave for 2 weeks in NE Italy. Yeah, I know, rough life. Most of this is advance prep (not too much, a group of us went last year for 10 days to do this - hence my own pic from last year included here), and delivering, the first week of a travel field course on 'cultural landscapes'. This is the first time this has been rolled out, and I'm the first of two instructors. My Faculty wants this to be the first of a suite of travel courses we run. So just a wee bit of pressure to do it well. A smidge.

Thank god the TAs are fluent Italian speakers and one is actually from the area. But I'm still freaking out about: 1) will the logistics all work, or will something go terribly wrong? This includes potential Icelandic volcanic activity. Aaaahhh!!; 2) actually having anything scholarly and meaningful to say/add along the way of our planned activities and trips; 3) being 'on' for a week straight, and not seeming too old and slow to the students; 4) actually making it from Marco Polo Airport to the island in the lagoon where we are staying - this involves, in an exhausted state, finding my bag, my way to the HelloVenezia office in the arrivals hall to pick up my VeniceCard (purchased ahead online) that will get me on: a) the Alilaguna boat that will take me from the airport on the mainland to San Marco in Venice, b) on the traghetto from San Zaccaria stop (next to San Marco) to the island of San Servolo, c) checked in at Venice International University on San Servolo. So maybe, just maybe 3 hours after the plane lands after travelling Winnipeg-Toronto-Frankfurt-Venice I will be able to fall down and really sleep / pass out.

OK that sounded like whining but I've done this before and have never been so tired. Childbirth was less wearing. At least then I got to lie down and put my feet up.

So I'm excited and eager to be there but also am just a bit freaked out and already a little sad at being away for awhile, because I'm off for a month -- also spending time in Ontario and then Saskatchewan for a conference. Such is the life of the scholar I guess :)

They never teach you anything about travel study and conference travel in grad school. You are expected to just naturally travel well and to not tire easily. I think I do travel well, but I know I get physically tired now at 45 in a way that the 20-something students just don't. Aaah well, it is Italy where the pace of life is more leisurely. Frequent stops for espresso and/or gelato are the ticket I think. So while it is an adventure that I'm very lucky to get to take, it is just a tad bit scary - very 'putting yourself out there'. I'm sure it will be all great and I just need to calm myself. Calm. Hmmm....pass the prosecco? Gelato anyone?

Empty-Nest / Middle Age - Day 2

It's been two days now since our son and his girlfriend moved out, and one day since I turned 45. So far, so good. Had an amazing dinner out with my hubby and well, it was just nice to be Us. :)

Felt really weird today though buying so little at the grocery store. Actually skipped an entire aisle, and saved about $100! We have plans to meet with 'the kids' on Wed. (they don't work that night) to have a bday/Mother's day get together - should be nice but maybe a little weird? Have to see. I think it's a good thing I'm going away soon and will be too too busy to miss them too much.

Trying hard to avoid going in to the university these days. This time between regular session and summer session the place feels like a ghost town. Do have to take care of last details for the field course I'm doing. A week today I'm in Venice! I'm quite nervous actually about running this first week of the first cultural landscapes field course - ever. So much could go wrong; and I'm sooo detail oriented. Just have to remember to relax and enjoy and roll with it as things unfold. Basically be more Italian than Canadian :) Thank God I had the foresight to travel a couple of days ahead. I should be acclimated by then. Hopefully the weather improves. The current 5-day forecast is rain, rain, rain, rain, and more rain. Yippee. I mean yes, there is a lot of water in Venice. I would prefer however that it not all be falling on our heads :(

So here's to the next adventure, soggy as it may be.

Trying to focus on work - but my mother *thinks* she has a SuperBug.

So here I am trying to focus on learning objectives for an imminent field course (yeah there is a reason I follow the LiveVenice blog - commence hating me), but I'm distracted. Distracted by worry mixed with a soucon of 'WHAAAAT!!'. Seems my mother (who has legitimately been ill) is now convinced she has 'fungal pneumonia' and not the usual viral sort. Except she lives in Ontario, spends way too much time alone / watching TV since losing her job last summer (this may be an important explanatory variable)- and all the cases of the so-called 'killer fungus' pneumonia being sensationalized in the media are in BC and a few in the Pacific NW states. My mother hasn't been west of Winnipeg in over 10 years. She and a friend have cooked up the notion that the fungus travelled in the boxes that move through the port of Vancouver from China to the store where said friend works (who was also ill). Except the fungus is likely from Australia and/or natural to Vancouver Island according to reputable online news sources. Neither of them have been hospitalized no matter how often they see a doctor, btw. Hmmm.

So - should I be worried a) that this is true, but somehow mishandled, b) that my mother is delusional and a now a hypochondriac, c) that she is so alone and depressed, now that she can't work and is turning 65 that she makes stuff up to make her life more interesting, or d) that this is taking up too much of my own energy as I'm just a bit pissed off at her for being like this. - i.e., crazy. There may be other possible scenarios here but so far that is all I have.

This is really throwing off my elusive 'work-family balance'. It can't be the fungal illnesses in BC or she'd be hospitalized as it would mean the spread had 'leapfrogged'. That really freaks out public health types so there is no way this can be. So she's spinning this to explain her apparent lack of an immune system or something. She does this 'create her own reality' in odd and freaky ways A LOT. Which makes me think - is her mental health really this fragile? aaahhh there goes my hopes for much concentration again...

Time to get outta here and head to campus. Perhaps I can find some focus in my office there. 'Cause I'm not sure I can do anything for Fungus Woman at this point. Which really I think is what eats me up. I'm a 'do-er' and want to help her feel better about herself and not be so gosh-durn crazy and depressed.

If I can trust my 18-year old son to live his own life and make his own choices, why is it so hard to do the same for my almost 65-year old mother?