Musings about possible futures

Over the last academic term, I've gotten to meet and work with a number of new people, and to get to know others in my circle of colleagues and acquaintances much better. In some cases, not to the betterment of relations, but generally this has all been very positive. It has resulted in opportunities coming my way in the fairly immediate, and the somewhat more distance future. I'm quite keen to see where and what and how being an associate dean for a year teaches me and expands my horizons. But I am also increasingly aware that at least 2 'big jobs' can be mine if I want them in 1-2 years.

I know, I know - why think about things 2 years hence? Because I'm a planner and well - if I don't do these things then groundwork needs to be done to set others into these positions.

So I'm pondering now two scenarios:

1) in two years I put my name forward to run a department - because it desperately needs leadership and change and I can do that, BUT the next 5 years will be hard, likely regularly ugly and difficult and an exercises in frustration. It MIGHT not be that bad, but I haven't seen any who did the job well also say they liked it - they have said I'd be good at it and I do have a certain sense of loyalty and a bad case of the 'oughts'
2) in two years I put my name forward for an admin position in my college - maybe only 1 year after other commitments are fulfilled. Also a position of leadership and often change too, BUT one that I have some prior experience of and which, while full of lots of hard work, will be FUN by virtue of who I'd be working with. The problems in this arena are minor compared to the other job. Life would be easier, less stressful in this job - however it is easily argued that perhaps the other position is one that needs a committed person more. Sigh.

Both positions speak to my sense of duty, to my desire to 'make things work better' - but one I think will be a helluva lot more fun...though perhaps is of less prestige/less likely to be a springboard to higher levels of admin work. Do I care about that though? OR is that just my evil competitive side that has gotten me in trouble before, taking on things because I think I should/maybe no one else will, rather than listening to what my heart and gut are trying to say?

New acquaintances in the Anglican hierarchy talk about 'discernment' - literally discerning your path through opening your heart and mind to God's will. Sounds a bit like waiting for God to talk to you, which makes me feel a bit odd to say the least. But 'discern my path' I surely need to do. Some talks are in order, and some time to think, and to watch and see what comes my way over the next year and a bit.

Questions to Self:
1) Just how ambitious am I?
2) Who am I really trying to impress?
3) Will I be fulfilled by doing what I 'ought' or what I 'want'?
4) Haven't I earned the right to simply do what makes me happy? If I have - why do I feel guilty about it?

The more things change...

The more things change ... they are different? (Profound eh?) Wow what a ride the last few weeks have been. I find myself more and more perplexed by the motivations of the people around me. Well that's not fair - perplexed by those that can't seem to keep themselves from making choices / behaving in ways that seem to be at best counter-productive and at worst, not in anyone's best interest, especially theirs.

Passive-Aggressive Man apparently went away for not only term break but another week on top of that in order to perfect the aggressive part of his nature. Yippee. So much for the tactic of steady but polite pressure as a means of getting P-A Man to maybe oh I don't know - make a decision? give a crap? Sigh...where frustration had moved to sympathy it is now rapidly moving to disdain. And not just for me. There may actually be a band of folks in my unit who've had enough and want to see some change asap. Feeling a bit like I'm at the start of a coup d'etat...

On the family side of things...is it that 'pride go-eth before the fall' OR 'pride causes the fall'? Still can't wrap my head around why Mother Dear would chose to move to a tiny (REALLY tiny) geared-to-income seniors apartment in the same neighbourhood she lived in when her marriage of 30 years ended (which is also auto-suburbia with truly crap bus service and nothing really to walk to and she doesn't drive - can you say isolation) when there are options available to her from her own children (aka ME) to live in a lovely apartment condo in a nice neighbourhood close to all sorts of amenities and family - which we would buy for her - in our city OR hers. Gah - my boy cares enough when I'm older to look after me a bit, I'm taking it. It's the only way I can collect on any of the approximately $8 million we agree he owes me at this point  :-)

So - to whomever up there/out there is listening - what is going on?