Trying to focus on work - but my mother *thinks* she has a SuperBug.

So here I am trying to focus on learning objectives for an imminent field course (yeah there is a reason I follow the LiveVenice blog - commence hating me), but I'm distracted. Distracted by worry mixed with a soucon of 'WHAAAAT!!'. Seems my mother (who has legitimately been ill) is now convinced she has 'fungal pneumonia' and not the usual viral sort. Except she lives in Ontario, spends way too much time alone / watching TV since losing her job last summer (this may be an important explanatory variable)- and all the cases of the so-called 'killer fungus' pneumonia being sensationalized in the media are in BC and a few in the Pacific NW states. My mother hasn't been west of Winnipeg in over 10 years. She and a friend have cooked up the notion that the fungus travelled in the boxes that move through the port of Vancouver from China to the store where said friend works (who was also ill). Except the fungus is likely from Australia and/or natural to Vancouver Island according to reputable online news sources. Neither of them have been hospitalized no matter how often they see a doctor, btw. Hmmm.

So - should I be worried a) that this is true, but somehow mishandled, b) that my mother is delusional and a now a hypochondriac, c) that she is so alone and depressed, now that she can't work and is turning 65 that she makes stuff up to make her life more interesting, or d) that this is taking up too much of my own energy as I'm just a bit pissed off at her for being like this. - i.e., crazy. There may be other possible scenarios here but so far that is all I have.

This is really throwing off my elusive 'work-family balance'. It can't be the fungal illnesses in BC or she'd be hospitalized as it would mean the spread had 'leapfrogged'. That really freaks out public health types so there is no way this can be. So she's spinning this to explain her apparent lack of an immune system or something. She does this 'create her own reality' in odd and freaky ways A LOT. Which makes me think - is her mental health really this fragile? aaahhh there goes my hopes for much concentration again...

Time to get outta here and head to campus. Perhaps I can find some focus in my office there. 'Cause I'm not sure I can do anything for Fungus Woman at this point. Which really I think is what eats me up. I'm a 'do-er' and want to help her feel better about herself and not be so gosh-durn crazy and depressed.

If I can trust my 18-year old son to live his own life and make his own choices, why is it so hard to do the same for my almost 65-year old mother?

If I'm suffering from empty-nest syndrome/mid-life - why do I feel so good?

In exactly one week my son and girlfriend are moving out of our house, and I turn 45. According to most of my family and many of my colleagues and friends - apparently I should be a puddle of emotion and hormones.

But I'm not - at least not in the way they expect. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a heartless, terrible mother because I'm actually happy my son is moving on to the next stage? Isn't moving out, healthy and sober (there were some dark times when he was 16 and 17) in a good relationship, gainfully employed, making plans for the future - isn't that what we want them to be doing? Hell, we even all get along really well!! If I'm weepy next week it will be tears of happiness running down my face because there was a time we weren't sure we'd be here - because we didn't know where he was or what he was doing - other than something scary bad. I hear about other so-called 'helicopter parents' and think "what is wrong with you people?" Have some faith in your kids. Recognize there comes a time you have to, if not let go, loosen the grip!

On top of this - I keep getting comments - even a card from my own dad!- that expect that I am having a tough time turning 45. Yeah. Middle Age. Well you know I always liked studying about the Middle Ages so maybe I'll take up Gregorian Chanting to mark the event. But seriously - is everyone else really that age-obsessed? Do you need to remind me of my own mortality to make yourself feel better?? I just don't get it. I feel more myself now, more clear on who I am and what I'm not than I ever have. I don't take crap, I don't stifle myself, I do all I can to keep positive. Negative Nellies - so long. Oh I should understand you and listen to you because you are related to me? Sorry - don't have the time or energy to wallow in the negativity with you. Ciao. Call me when you want to do something good and positive. 

Not that I'm some vibrating, glowing ball of positive energy. Far from it. I get overwhelmed and exhausted on an all too regular basis. But I refuse to let that win. Sometimes I have to literally talk myself up and out, however I try very hard to be gentle with myself about those times. Try.

So - fellow bloggers/bloggees - Am I missing something? Am I some sort of anomaly? Or have I hit upon another one of those cultural narratives that says that these transition points are something women should fear and be saddened by, rather than celebrate?

Apparently my twin is a 5'6" English woman

This really happened today - again! There are two tenured women in my department (yeah...2!...we are sooo progressive!). I am one of them. I am above average height for a woman (6') and well --- not even close to petite. I wear glasses, and I'm REALLY Canadian. I wear multiple rings and regularly change the colour of my hair. My colleague, research partner and friend is the aforementioned Englishwomen of normal height, complete with plummy English public school accent. No glasses. Wears suits regularly. Me, not so much. And we are regularly called by each other's names. When we are apart, AND when we are both there together.

Happened today in a department council meeting - for the millionth time. We were on opposite sides of the conference table. No way you could not tell us apart, unless you are frikkin' Helen Keller. Or - apparently - a male academic.

Now I suppose I should be understanding - I mean really. Female. Associate Professor. Same discipline. Clearly interchangeable. Why should I expect more? (grrrrrrrr)

At the meeting we both laughed  - after an audible groan and knowing look at each other (the "Can you believe one of the boys did it AGAIN!" look). One of our more aware male colleagues picked up on our mood right away and kept the joke going with a lovely note of sarcasm in his voice ..."Yeah, they are twins - like Twins, the movie. Not that you look like them...but...".

 I decided to announce that for the remainder of the meeting I would speak in a bad Austrian accent.

Just call me 'Gender Girl'!

I've been pondering this all day - why is it such a struggle to get gender / feminist research or courses or theory recognized in the academy? Once again I feel like the voice crying in the wilderness, shouting 'this is important!!' And it makes me snarky... it feels like I've been a ruddy Who in Whoville my whole career. Here is my course - take it! tell your students to take it! Here is my research - look it's published and cited a lot - value it! acknowledge it! I am here! I am here! Did I need millions in grants to do it? - no - oh so now you are not interested. Thanks for marginalizing me and my work...


And then just when I get used to being ignored ...  I'm the 'designated feminist' (aka Gender Girl! --- anyone want to design my super suit?) who is trotted out to be on every grad student committee, every equity working group, every time gender parity is an issue. It's like there is some scholarly diversity tick box they can check off - oooh feminist - CHECK; - marxist - nooo; critical theorist - CHECK. Oh another one focusing on gender, oh no thanks we already have one of those. Sigh.

So you are probably wondering - what does this picture have to do with this post? Well - one - I think it's just a cool image of a great outdoor art exhibit. They are tipis, lighted from inside. To me it speaks of the power of the marginalized, and tonight that really resonates with me.

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Why a blog?

Why start a blog indeed? Maybe I just think the best conversations I have are with myself? No that can't be it - I talk to myself already anyway :). Seriously, my 20+ years in the university setting as a student and professor tell me - and I feel this is true in my bones - that women academics are still 'read' in the academy as 'out of place'. Female mentors are few and far between - and many of them are either bitter, depressed, or have given up / given in and just don't care anymore. I still care - and while some may see the academic life as a wasteland 'tundra' for women - I'm here to say I've got my parka and my boots good to -60C and I'm ready to go!

So this blog is, in a way, my way of entering into a kind of mentoring relationship - with myself, with anyone out there who wants to follow along - and it can be a multi-way discussion of what works, what doesn't and what we might change to make the academy / university a better place to work, learn, grow and contribute to an enriched life for ourselves and our sisters in the larger community.

Not sure what will be in further posts - though I think there will be a fair share of 'can you believe this?' and 'is this true for you to?' posts. Probably a few rants, and a few 'thought puzzles' too.

Looking forward to hearing from any followers about what makes you love life in the university setting, what makes you crazy, what you want to change etc.,