Musings about possible futures

Over the last academic term, I've gotten to meet and work with a number of new people, and to get to know others in my circle of colleagues and acquaintances much better. In some cases, not to the betterment of relations, but generally this has all been very positive. It has resulted in opportunities coming my way in the fairly immediate, and the somewhat more distance future. I'm quite keen to see where and what and how being an associate dean for a year teaches me and expands my horizons. But I am also increasingly aware that at least 2 'big jobs' can be mine if I want them in 1-2 years.

I know, I know - why think about things 2 years hence? Because I'm a planner and well - if I don't do these things then groundwork needs to be done to set others into these positions.

So I'm pondering now two scenarios:

1) in two years I put my name forward to run a department - because it desperately needs leadership and change and I can do that, BUT the next 5 years will be hard, likely regularly ugly and difficult and an exercises in frustration. It MIGHT not be that bad, but I haven't seen any who did the job well also say they liked it - they have said I'd be good at it and I do have a certain sense of loyalty and a bad case of the 'oughts'
2) in two years I put my name forward for an admin position in my college - maybe only 1 year after other commitments are fulfilled. Also a position of leadership and often change too, BUT one that I have some prior experience of and which, while full of lots of hard work, will be FUN by virtue of who I'd be working with. The problems in this arena are minor compared to the other job. Life would be easier, less stressful in this job - however it is easily argued that perhaps the other position is one that needs a committed person more. Sigh.

Both positions speak to my sense of duty, to my desire to 'make things work better' - but one I think will be a helluva lot more fun...though perhaps is of less prestige/less likely to be a springboard to higher levels of admin work. Do I care about that though? OR is that just my evil competitive side that has gotten me in trouble before, taking on things because I think I should/maybe no one else will, rather than listening to what my heart and gut are trying to say?

New acquaintances in the Anglican hierarchy talk about 'discernment' - literally discerning your path through opening your heart and mind to God's will. Sounds a bit like waiting for God to talk to you, which makes me feel a bit odd to say the least. But 'discern my path' I surely need to do. Some talks are in order, and some time to think, and to watch and see what comes my way over the next year and a bit.

Questions to Self:
1) Just how ambitious am I?
2) Who am I really trying to impress?
3) Will I be fulfilled by doing what I 'ought' or what I 'want'?
4) Haven't I earned the right to simply do what makes me happy? If I have - why do I feel guilty about it?