In exactly one week my son and girlfriend are moving out of our house, and I turn 45. According to most of my family and many of my colleagues and friends - apparently I should be a puddle of emotion and hormones.
But I'm not - at least not in the way they expect. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a heartless, terrible mother because I'm actually happy my son is moving on to the next stage? Isn't moving out, healthy and sober (there were some dark times when he was 16 and 17) in a good relationship, gainfully employed, making plans for the future - isn't that what we want them to be doing? Hell, we even all get along really well!! If I'm weepy next week it will be tears of happiness running down my face because there was a time we weren't sure we'd be here - because we didn't know where he was or what he was doing - other than something scary bad. I hear about other so-called 'helicopter parents' and think "what is wrong with you people?" Have some faith in your kids. Recognize there comes a time you have to, if not let go, loosen the grip!
On top of this - I keep getting comments - even a card from my own dad!- that expect that I am having a tough time turning 45. Yeah. Middle Age. Well you know I always liked studying about the Middle Ages so maybe I'll take up Gregorian Chanting to mark the event. But seriously - is everyone else really that age-obsessed? Do you need to remind me of my own mortality to make yourself feel better?? I just don't get it. I feel more myself now, more clear on who I am and what I'm not than I ever have. I don't take crap, I don't stifle myself, I do all I can to keep positive. Negative Nellies - so long. Oh I should understand you and listen to you because you are related to me? Sorry - don't have the time or energy to wallow in the negativity with you. Ciao. Call me when you want to do something good and positive.
Not that I'm some vibrating, glowing ball of positive energy. Far from it. I get overwhelmed and exhausted on an all too regular basis. But I refuse to let that win. Sometimes I have to literally talk myself up and out, however I try very hard to be gentle with myself about those times. Try.
So - fellow bloggers/bloggees - Am I missing something? Am I some sort of anomaly? Or have I hit upon another one of those cultural narratives that says that these transition points are something women should fear and be saddened by, rather than celebrate?
Hey, sounds like you are doing just fine to me. Both our "boys" are living their independent lives and we miss them but it's their turn to figure out things for themselves just like we did. I'm getting close to fifty and can't wait, I've never understood the aging problem but then I'm like you, I would rather find the positive in life then live in the negative. In peace, with love....
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support :)
ReplyDeleteThe 'aging thing' I get to a point if your don't like where you are in your life, but it always seems to be people who whine on about being old whined on about things when they were younger too. For me - I've known too many fabulous 'old broads' who revel in the fact that they woke up and got another shot!! I want to be like them when I 'grow up'.
Given that my son is still in diapers, I can't fathom yet a time when he can walk on his own, let along have a partner or a job or move out! But I imagine that we've moved in society towards holding onto children more, not letting them 'grow up' as quickly. I certainly can see that in the students I teach who are older than your son! I think its great you have the faith in him that you do. It doesn't make you a bad parent, in fact it makes you a great one, to have raised a young man who can make his choices, deal with the consequences and have the strength to face the world without hiding behind mom's apron? Heck, what more could you want? (Frankly, what's freaking me out is that when my son turns 18, I'll be 53...now *that's* depressing)
ReplyDeleteWell I don't know about 'great'... I'll settle for 'good enough' parent :)
ReplyDeleteDon't fret about the being 53 when your boy is 'of age'. You will be in your glorious mid-age and will be ready for anything. Really. After a nap maybe, but you'll be ready! :D
You raise a good point about the society moving to holding onto our children so very tightly. I worry we are raising a generation or two of folks who feel inherently incapable, overwhelmed and stressed by everything. I see it in my students too - they just have no appetite for taking a chance or trying something new. They are terrified they might 'fail'. What ever happened to the adage that you learn more from your failures than your successes? I think the tough bit is realizing that your role as the parent changes. I feel like now we are the advisors and 'bank of last resort'. And it helps that we like some of the same things (e,g, comedy festivals, good movies, good food, travel) so you know you have to get to the place where you let yourself see them as people and not just kids. Easy? Not always. But in the end it is there life and you don't have any control anyway - only influence. So use it wisely I figure.
Now what do I do about the helicopter parents who phone my university office asking why Timmy or Janey didn't get a better grade. Yeah, it's happened!